Saturday, February 12, 2011

Jenna: How Can It Be Wrong When It Feels So...Wrong?

What is it about doing something we know is bad for us that can be so enticing? We know there are healthy, delicious things to eat out there, but we really want a pint of Ben and Jerry's or a slice of pizza. We know we should go home early and rest up for work in the morning or study for that big exam, but can't resist that one cocktail that puts us over the edge. Or there's this boy that you know has trouble written all over him (sordid past, flighty present, slutty, commitment phobic, recently divorced, etc.) that is suddenly irresistible because you know he's so bad for you. Maybe it's just me...but sometimes nothing is better than that vaguely mischievous feeling of knowing you've done a bad, bad thing. I'd like to clarify that I'm not talking about bad things that hurt the feelings of others or cause general harm in the world. I'm talking about victimless crimes...things that you kind of grin and shake your head at simultaneously after all is said and done.

What exactly do I mean when I say I love to do the 'wrong' thing, you ask? To be honest, it's almost exclusively sex related. I could blame it on my inability to make a rational decision that might keep me from having sex, since I love sexy time so much. But it's not the same impulse that men have; that tendency to ignore reason completely in order to get laid. In my case, the added element of taboo (you work in my office, you're separated but not divorced from your wife, your own friends call you a slut, you're too young, you're too old...must I go on?) makes the situation much MORE exciting for me. Not only do I still want to do the wrong thing...but more so because there are probable negative consequences, albeit nothing life threatening. Screwed up right?

I don't know what it is about me that can't get enough of the wrong thing. Who's with me? Show me an emotionally unstable, hot mess of a guy and I'm instantly smitten. The less available they are, the more I want them...if only for a short while. It never takes long, however, for me to get a proverbial stomachache from eating a bunch of crap or making a series of poor romantic decisions...but I never seem to learn! And to be perfectly's not like I don't know what I'm doing. If I had a nickel for every time I said (out loud!) to another person that 'this is a bad idea', but proceeded to move forward anyway...I'd have a large, large pile of nickels. I could chalk it up to fear of actually succeeding at a relationship, a deeply rooted love for dramatic disaster, or a hint of emotional sadomasochism...but at the end of the day it certainly keeps things interesting.

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