Monday, October 4, 2010

Jenna: Easy Like Sunday Morning

I've been doing a lot of thinking on a difficult subject, lately. Since coming back from my trip abroad, I've been questioning a lot of decisions in my life, looking at relationships, job responsibilities, my world in general and searching for the passion and excitement I used to have for the world around me. The truth is, the change of perspective, that traveling warranted me...the necessity of standing on my own two feet and experiencing a completely new environment, awakened a sense of adventure inside of me that had been snoozing for quite some time.

So how does this relate to this post, 'Easy Like Sunday Morning'? I've been taking a long look at some of the situations in my life and have come to realize that I have fallen into the trap of doing what's 'easy' for me, and not necessarily what is making me happy. As this applies to relationships...I've been in one. One that's constantly sending me back to the drawing board and questioning whether or not it's the right thing. I care about this guy, we have a history, and there's no doubt that we've shared a lot in the years that we've known each other and dated off and on. There's something incredibly comfortable and easy about being with someone you know and who knows you very, very well. Someone with whom you don't have to make conversation all the time...that you can just make dinner and watch a movie with and sleep next to at night.

I started asking myself why I was with him. What I got out of the relationship. Did we enjoy the same things? Were we genuinely interested in one another's lives? Did we deal with difficulties and challenges like adults that are committed to making a relationship work? Did we love each other, really, after all this time? I couldn't answer any of these questions the way I knew, deep down, I should be able to. Unfortunately, difficult questions just don't have easy answers.

No doubt, I've gotten lost in the ease of it all. And even though I haven't been happy exactly for awhile...I've been too scared of the great unknown, the inevitable pain that comes from ending a relationship, and the fear of missing him to do anything about it. But a few months of looking at the bigger picture has led me to a different place. I have way too much living to do to take the easy road right now. I will choose happiness over just getting by. And even though it's scary not to know what lies ahead, I know I'll sleep better at night knowing I got myself out of an lukewarm situation.

Don't get me wrong...endings are sad, no matter what the circumstances are. But I'm done doing what's easy. I'm ready to pay attention to what will bring me passion and joy. I figure I'll start with my love life...and then take it from there.

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