Sometimes, you're looking for love at first sight. Sometimes, you're seeking your soul mate. Sometimes you just want someone to go out and do cheesy, romantic NY summertime things with. And sometimes you want to sleep with the bartender. There are many webs that we city folk weave and there is justification for all of them. But I'm not here to justify my 'once every so often' desire to sleep with the bartender. I'm here to share my strategies (developed over time) in order to help you, my faithful readers, to achieve your goals. Should those goals include sleeping with the bartender, of course. So...without further ado, I present to you the DO's and DO NOT's of sleeping with the bartender.
D0:
*Case the joint. Make friends at bar; appear social and jovial. Good times all around is the way to go.
*Nonchalantly ask the bartender his/her name after they serve your first drink and continue to address them in this personal fashion.
*Tip generously (then add $5)
*Order a specific cocktail. If it's delicious, then comment on how impressed you are with the tender or tendress' execution of said cocktail. If it's lousy, keep your mouth shut.
*Cast lingering (but not creepy) gazes in his/her direction.
*Bring food...and share.
*Drink in moderation. You will need your wits about you.
*Sleep all day and hydrate. You will need to hang out VERY late in order to close the bar. Stamina is key in this situation.
*Engage in conversation topics that can pass between you in short snippets instead of trying to carry on a continuous train of thought while he/she is tending to the rest of the bar.
*If possible, bring a friend for the earlier part of the evening. Engage in sparkling conversation. Laugh a lot. Maintain a carefree attitude.
*Seize any opportunity to step away from the bar when your object of affection does. Cigarette breaks are a good example and opportunity for quality time. If you don't smoke, smoke with aforementioned bartender, anyway. You're on a mission, correct? Sometimes, you have to take a cancer stick for the team. The team, being your sex life.
DO NOT:
*Show up at the bar before 2:30am, if you're serious about this. If you've already established a familiarity/flirtation (preferable), make sure that you get there late, if you're realistic about this. You will spend way too much time killing time by drinking otherwise, which leads me to my next point...
*DO NOT GET SLOPPY DRUNK. There is a fine line here. Between drinking all night at the bar, flirting with the bartender, and becoming dishonorably drunk. This happens to be my Achilles Heel. That's right. I said it. I'm disappointed in the fact that sometimes, my mild alcoholism gets in the way of my promiscuity. Everything is wrong with this statement. It's probably a blessing in disguise. But I digress. Monitor your alcohol intake. Get tipsy, not collapse-ey drunk.
*Do not become frustrated or angry at the bartender for not wanting to close the bar early to come home with you.
*Do not get depressed. No matter how drunk you get. Or how sad it makes you that you are alone at the bar at 3 am, surrounded by similarly pathetic strangers (perhaps also trying to sleep with the bartender).
*Do not directly solicit the bartender until the 11th hour. The home stretch. We're talking 4am. Trust me...if things do not go your way, this becomes awkward QUICKLY.
And last, but not least, know when to accept defeat. Know when all of your attempts simply will not work and take your drunk booty home. Perhaps you are slightly worse for the wear...but you'll live. There are lots of cute bartenders in New York City.
Happy hunting.
Don't judge me.
